


Killing Jar Jar Binks

by McL0vin



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Bromance, Jar Jar Binks Sucks, Minor Original Character(s), Power of Friendship, bury him alive honestly, crackfic, kill jar jar, no one likes jar jar, wrote this instead of sleeping
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-05
Updated: 2020-07-04
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:02:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25082071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/McL0vin/pseuds/McL0vin
Summary: Everyone knows him.Everyone hates him.We all kind of want him dead.So I did us a favor and killed off Jar Jar Binks. You’re welcome ;)
Relationships: Leia Organa & Luke Skywalker & Han Solo, Leia Organa/Han Solo
Comments: 8
Kudos: 5





	1. The Dying Wish

**Author's Note:**

> IF YOU ARE A JAR JAR BINKS STAN LEAVE NOW!!  
> was watching EP. VI and at the end when everyone is partying after they blow up the 2nd Death Star someone says “weesa free!” Implying that jar jar Binks is in fact STILL ALIVE!!! so I decided it’s time for him to go...for good

* * *

Vader was dying. He looked small, almost childlike, sitting there on the ground in front of Luke. 

“Luke,” he said weakly “take off my mask.”

Luke looked confused. “But you’ll die,” he said. Vader rolled his eyes.

“Bitch please, like you weren’t trying to kill my ass before. Now take it off, it’s important.”

Reluctantly Luke pulled the mask off of his dad’s face then quickly recoiled. 

“Yikes,”  Luke thought. “ He really do be looking like an egg tho.”

Vader rolled his eyes again, for once happy that he hadn’t had to raise his only son. “Luke I can hear your thoughts, you know. It’s called the motherfucking force—gah!” Vader started coughing and choking. He was losing air fast. “Luke, I need to tell you something now. Come closer so you can hear me. It’s my dying wish.”

Luke scooted closer. He was trying his best not to cry. Vader was a major dick, but he was _his_ dick

... wait no...

“Goddamnit Luke! I’m trying to give you my dying wish and you’re busy thinking about dicks!! Now I don’t care what or  who  your evening plans are. I’ll be dead! So please just shut up and listen to my dying wish. I AM YOUR FATHER.”

Luke shakes his head, just like the rest of us who know that the line is actually ‘no, I am your father’ but decided to actually pay attention for once. Mostly though it was because his dad was wheezing and he felt bad for him. Vader put his hand on Luke’s cheek. “Luke,” he said. “This is my dying wish.”

Luke was crying now. “I know Dad, you can tell me. I’ll do anything.”

Vader coughed, cleared his throat and whispered to Luke, “kill Jar Jar.”

“I’m... sorry?” said Luke.

“I said KILL JAR JAR BINKS!! Make him BURN! Never again let anyone in the galaxy’s ears be disgraced be the words “ooh meesa jar jar binks!” Vader coughed again. 

“Dad you’re losing your marbles—“

“Luke  please.  It is my dying wish.” he finished weakly. Then he died


	2. Ewok Party

Luke was hella confused but he was determined to follow through with his promise to fulfill his father’s dying wish. He burned Vader’s body, met up with his friends, and went to another kickass party with Ewoks then got down to business. He knew exactly who to ask...

“What do you mean you ‘haven’t got any idea to whom I’m referring?’ You’re C fucking 3P0!” Luke screeched. 

“While I am delighted that someone has finally noticed my talents and skills, I am afraid I still cannot determine who this ‘Jar Jar Binks’ is.” said C3P0 matter-of-factly.

“But you’re a nerd!”

C3P0 gasped. “Nerd? I am not. I am a robot.”

“Well you’re not a very good one!”

Han walked up to them, throwing an arm around Luke’s shoulders. “C3P0 pissing you off again, kid?”

Luke rolled his eyes. “Same shit, different day. I was just trying to weasel out some information from him about this guy, but he says he’s never heard of him.”

“What guy?” asked Han, intrigued.

Luke shrugged. “Some guy called Jar Jar Binks.”

Han visibly shudders when Luke says the name.

“You alright Han?”

“What the hell do you want with Binks?” asked Han.

“To kill him,” said Luke.

“Yeah don’t we all,” Han agreed. “How did you even find out about that little shit? I had hoped you’d never have to cross his path.”

“Well, it was my father’s dying wish. He was very passionate about it too. He had a lot of hate for him,” Luke sighed. “Look, Han. I know that it was Vader’s dying wish to have the guy killed, but he was my father and it would really mean a lot to me if we could—“ 

“Wait you really want to kill him?” asked Han.

Luke shrugged. “Well yeah, or at least imprison him or something I’m not sure. All I’m saying is if someone as bad as Vader hated him, this guy’s gotta be bad news. Han what are you doing?”

“Luke I am dancing. That’s right, dancing because you have made today the best day of my life!” He grabbed Luke by the shirt and kissed him right on the mouth.

“Han what the—“

“We’re getting rid of him Luke! No more Jar Jar! I’ve been looking for an excuse to get rid of him for years!” Han whooped then jumped on a vine and swung across the forest towards where Leia was standing. “Leeiiiiaaaa! We’re going to kill Jar Jar! C’mon!”

“Han, are you drunk again?”

Han had to think about that for a second. 

“Ehhhh I don’t think so. Also before you hear it from anyone else, I kissed your brother.”

Leia shrugged. “So did I.”

Luke shook his head. “I thought we said we were never gonna bring that up again.” he said. 

Han just laughed. “Everyone pack your shit! We’re gonna kill Jar Jar!” 

Everyone cheered. After the party they departed promptly.


	3. The Plan

Back on the Falcon, Han gave everyone a rundown of who Jar Jar Binks was. Everyone was already annoyed enough just by the description of Jar Jar’s personality, but then Han decided to show them a picture of him, filling Luke, Leia, Chewie, C3P0 and R2-D2 all with an inexplicable and mildly unhealthy amount of rage.

“Aaaaaand he sounds like this,” said Han. He pressed play on a little hologram video of Jar Jar, who started talking. Immediately the video was met with shrieks of outrage. Chewie roared. C3P0 sputtered. R2-D2 beeped in disgruntlement. Luke and Leia yelled at Han to turn it off. Han complied. “See what I mean? Jar Jar Binks ain’t shit.”

“Yeah I think we got that,” said Leia. “Now what’s the plan?”

Han smirked. “Right now, Jar Jar is in a sad little pub playing Tatooine hold ‘em with some of the other space sleazes. He’s freakishly good at it because when people aren’t looking he hides bad cards in those weird little flaps that hang off of his head,” Han shudders again. “Like hair made of skin. Anyway, right next door is Jabba the Hutt—“

“NOOO!”Leia yelled. “We can’t go back there, Han. He had you frozen in carbonite and he had me in that disgusting metal lingerie. I never want to see that scumbag again.” said Leia. 

“Wait Leia I thought you choked him to death,” said Luke. 

“Exactly, kid. Today is his funeral, which means we can slip in with Jar Jar and feed him to that giant-ass sand snake that tried to eat us last time.”

“Actually it is called a sarlacc. The sarlacc is a sand-dwelling creature who—“

“Switch off!” Everyone yelled.

C3P0 looked offended but complied. 

“Okay so here’s my plan,” said Han. “We go to the pub where Jar Jar will be, then Leia will trick Jar Jar into going with her. Luke, while Leia does this it’s your job to track down a speeder so we can make a quick getaway. Leia, you’ll take him to the back where I will be waiting with a bag. We will knock out Jar Jar and put him in the bag then we will go to Jabba’s and toss him to the sand snake before the funeral ends. Sound good?”

“Yeah let’s do it!”

Han nodded. “Alright then!” he raised his flask like he was making a toast.” Never thought I’d say this but, for Vader!”

“For Vader!” they all cheered, and continued on their mission.


	4. The Funeral

It was time for Jar Jar to meet his end. They landed the Falcon on some poor unsuspecting soul’s roof and set out to enable Jar Jar’s sweet demise. Luke raced off to find a speeder while Han and Leia set out for the pub. Meanwhile, Jabba the Hutt’s family gathered for the obese sluggy boy’s funeral. 

“My son! My only son!” wept Mama the Hutt, mother of Jabba. “He was so young and beautiful.” 

“There there, Mrs. the Hutt. He lived a wonderful life,” said a fellow funeral attendee, who just happened to have owed Jabba a large sum of money before he passed. “Let’s go take a seat now, okay? You’re awfully close to that sand snake pit. The funeral will start soon.” Mama the Hutt nodded and slithered slowly away towards where the funeral was being held. Just yards away, Luke was busy stealing a speeder from the parking lot...

Leia slid uncomfortably into the pub where Jar Jar was. Just as Han had said, Jar Jar was playing Tatooine hold ‘em with a bunch of sus-looking aliens. She took a deep breath. It was time. She walked up to the table. “Jar Jar Binks?” she said. He looked up. 

“That’ll be meesa,” said Jar Jar obnoxiously. “Who are yousa?”

Leia was struggling to keep her cool. His voice was just so annoying! However, she just smiled at him.

“Follow me if you want to find out,” she said seductively. Jar Jar looked like he’d just won a million bucks. He stood up quickly, surprising Leia with his height. She’d expected him to be maybe five feet tall at most but no he was a good seven+ feet. Nevertheless, she took him by the scaly arm and brought him to the back of the pub. 

“Exqueeze me miss, but where are wesa going — ah!!” Jar Jar’s obnoxious sniveling voice is suddenly cut off by Han Solo, who has quickly shoved him into a bag. Leia smacks Han. 

“You didn’t mention he was over seven feet tall!” she yelled. “Now how are we going to bring him outside?” 

“What with these muscles?” Han flexes. “Easy. Now let’s go. Luke is waiting for us outside.”

Leia rolls her eyes but decides to for once have faith in Han’s alleged muscularity. Together they drag Jar Jar’s limp body outside and chuck him into the back of Luke’s stolen speeder. The trio take off with Jar Jar in tow, against his muffled protests, eventually arriving at the parking lot where Luke stole the speeder from. 

“All right,” said Han. “We’re just a few yards away from the sand pit. We’ll park the speeder and drag him to the drop site then go back to the falcon and jet out of here without looking back. Sound good?”

“Yeah sounds fine,” said Luke. “But I didn’t realize this guy would be so tall!”

Leia rolled her eyes. “You and me both,” she said. 

Han shrugged. “All right, enough complaining. We blew up two Death Stars. A seven-foot-tall slimeball from hell ain’t shit. The sooner we dump him the better now let’s go.” 

The trio grabbed the bag and started to drag him off the speeder.

“Han, he’s so heavy,” Luke whined.

“Then use the force,” said Han sharply. 

“Actually, that’s not a bad idea.” Luke flexed his hand, lifting Jar Jar into the air using the power of the force. 

Han nodded in approval. “Not bad, kid, I was kidding you know, but this is even better. Now we don’t have to drag his ass.”

They all trotted across the sandy lot with Jar Jar floating above them. They were now just a few feet away from the sarlacc pit. Everything was going according to plan until Mama the Hutt let out such a loud wail that it startled Luke into losing concentration and dropping the bag. The bag burst open, releasing Jar Jar Binks.

“Weesa freeeeeeeee!” he screeched triumphantly, as he dashed across the sandy plains. 

“No, wait!!!” yelled Han. “Luke! I can’t believe you dropped the bag!” 

“I-I’m sorry, I lost concentration. The force is a little sketchy sometimes. Leia, what are you doing?”

Leia was racing across the sand after Jar Jar. “Come back here!” she yelled. “Turn around, dickhead! How are you so fast?” 

Han and Luke turned to each other and laughed, then raced after Leia. 

Unfortunately for the three of them, Jar Jar had taken off in the direction of Jabba the Hutt’s funeral site. The crowd had just deposited his body into the hole in the ground, as Jabba had been too large and gelatinous for an actual casket, and the funeral attendees were about to begin ceremonially tossing fistfuls of sand over his corpse until he was completely buried. 

Jar Jar raced through the crowd, yelling “exqueeze me” as loudly and obnoxiously as possible, causing the crowd to disperse around him. 

“Get back here!” yelled Leia. “We’re not done with you!”

Jar Jar looked back and chuckled at the three of them trying to chase him down. “Yousa really thought you could outrun me? Meesa seven feet tall you—“ unfortunately for Jar Jar, but fortunately for literally everyone else, Jar Jar wasn’t looking where he was going and he tripped, falling into Jabba the Hutt’s grave. He landed right on top of Jabba and due to the several layers of gelatin-like skin which made up Jabba’s body, Jar Jar sank right into Jabba until he was fully absorbed by him and no longer visible to the naked eye. 

The entirety of the crowd watched in awe as Jar Jar sank into Jabba’s skin like it was made of quicksand. Leia, Han, and Luke made it to the edge of the grave just as the last of Jar Jar was absorbed. No one spoke. 

“Well shit,” Han said, at last breaking the silence. “I guess that’s one way to get rid of him.”

Epilogue:

While it wasn’t their original plan, Han, Luke, and Leia ultimately decided that gone is gone, and that’s what Jar Jar was. And, as Han had the grace to point out, technically Jar Jar’s death was an accident so his blood wasn’t directly on their hands. They stayed out of intergalactic legal trouble by letting the dead bury the dead, but that didn’t stop the three of them for feeling a tiny bit bad about the whole situation. However, sacrifices have to be made to make the galaxy a better place. Plus, Luke had been able to fulfill his father’s dying wish, which was oddly important to him, despite the amount of time he had spent hating the guy over the years. 

Most of all, Han, Luke, and Leia knew that they had done the galaxy a favor. And just like that, no one ever had to hear the piercing sound of Jar Jar Binks’s obnoxious voice ever again. 

THE END


End file.
